Down the Hall

Right now, at this very moment I am laying in my bed... MY BED, like the one at my parents house!!! I still am in unbelief. I haven't sleep in this bed  for about 2 years!! Crazy huh?

This picture was taken about 3 years ago

There is no lie nor hiding it, I am a messy person. I am a pack rat. I am overly sentimental. Over the years I have gained the hugest most random collection of... just, stuff. I shove it corners, under things, on shelves, closets, in drawers and where else I can find. Then, sooner more likely then later it finds its way all over the floor and everywhere!!!I would always get around to cleaning my room. (Which translated means find places to shove and pile all my stuff on the floor.) Often during these time I think that is brilliant to move around my furniture, causing a bigger mess, making me frustrated and grumpy, lecturing myself on how foolish it is to own so much pointless stuff. This is a cycle that continues to trap and haunt me. I can't hide from it. 

I still remember the night I was packing to go to college. It was around 3am and I was shoving the most random trinkets in boxes. I was tried, stressed and scared. My room was still a mess from the last time I decided it would be "fun" to move my bed and bookshelf around. From the frazzled pack and reminisce from the last disaster I left my room in a unspeakable state, and moved two hours away to a new temporary room in a dorm. Every time I would make a visit home my room would get more and more and even more stuff thrown in there. I ended up sleep on the floor of my siblings rooms, at friend's house or, more often then not, the living room couches. The couches become my most common bed as my room became storage. This habit continued into the summer and the next school year.

I tried to make a change and actually unpack and organize this summer. I started. I spent an entire day throwing away and donating bags and bags of old who knows whats. I also put away and organized boxes and boxes. Even after several hours slaving in my room its still in a utterly horrific state... but at least I could make my way to my bed! :)   

Even with the towers of unpacked boxes, exploded bags, and piles of trash I feel a strange state of comfort here. There is lots of guilt, lots of shame and embarrassment... but its all me.

I love all the colors that tease and taunt the corners of my eyes. I love all the memories trapped in countless amount of items screaming for attention. There are years and years of life camped into this room. I feel so much like myself in this room with all the reminders of my past and present. 

I know I will have to kick myself in the butt soon and finish the cleaning and unpacking, but for right now I am happy to be laying in my bed playing pandora.com. Learning to make goals and find self motivation but meanwhile living in the mess. I am happy to be down the hall form the living room and the couches.

My bed three years ago